When "I've Got It" Becomes Too Much: Rethinking Caregiving in a Modern World

You might be sitting in a hospital waiting room or perhaps at your kitchen table late at night, staring at a two-inch thick binder filled with medical records, discharge papers, and scribbled notes. Whether you are the eldest daughter, a devoted spouse, or an only child trying to manage it all from three states away, the feeling is often the same. You feel the weight of the world on your shoulders. 

We often tell ourselves that we just need to push through or say "I'm fine" because we think this is simply how it is supposed to be. But what if the way we are approaching caregiving is actually setting us up to fail? In our recently conversation with Dr. Ashley Blackington on the Digital Legacy Podcast to discuss this exact issue.

Ashley is an occupational therapist and the founder of Dovetail, a platform designed to help families coordinate care for their loved ones. She shared some hard truths about why caregiving feels so impossible right now and offered practical advice on how we can fix it.

Why It Feels Harder Than It Used To

If you feel like you are drowning, please know that it is not because you are weak. It is because the landscape of aging has fundamentally changed. Thirty or forty years ago, families often lived down the street from one another, but today families are smaller and spread out across the country or the world .

Furthermore, Ashley pointed out a critical shift in our health. We are living longer, which is a gift, but we are also "dying longer". We have better diagnostics and medications that keep us alive, but that means many of us are living with chronic illnesses for years or even decades.

This creates a complex web of medical appointments, medications, and daily needs that lasts for a very long time. The old model of one person doing it all simply does not fit this new reality.

The Danger of the "Funnel"

One of the most powerful images Ashley shared was the idea of the "funnel." When a crisis hits, such as a fall or a sudden diagnosis, the responsibility tends to funnel down to one single person. Usually, this is the person who shows up at the emergency room or the one who lives closest. This person becomes the default scheduler, driver, nurse, and emotional support system. The problem is that once the funnel closes around that one person, it is incredibly difficult to open it back up because other family members or friends might step back assuming "you've got it covered".

This isolation is dangerous. Ashley noted that she has seen many cases where the caregiver ends up getting sick or even passing away before the person they are caring for because the physical and emotional toll is simply too high. This wear and tear on the body happens because human beings are not designed to run on high alert 24/7 for years on end without training or support .

Building a Modern Village

To fix this, we have to stop thinking of caregiving as an "all or nothing" job and instead create layers of care. Not everyone needs to be involved in the deep medical decisions. Maybe you have a neighbor who walks the dog, a friend who picks up groceries once a week, or a sibling who lives far away who can handle the billing and insurance phone calls . The neighbor does not need to know your dad’s entire medical history as they just need to know the dog’s schedule. This is where technology like Dovetail comes in. It allows you to coordinate these different layers without violating privacy or overwhelming everyone with a group chat that never ends.

Start the Conversation Early

The best way to avoid the chaos is to talk about it before you have to. These kitchen table conversations are not easy. Parents do not want to admit they are aging, and adult children do not want to think about their parents' mortality. But as Ashley so poignantly said, "Nobody gets out of life alive". The sooner we start these chats, the less sharp and painful they feel. It allows the person receiving care to have a voice so they can say who they want involved and who they definitely do not want involved. It turns a crisis into a plan.

A Small Step You Can Take Today

If you are reading this and feeling the knot in your chest tighten, take a deep breath. You do not have to solve the entire caregiving puzzle today. But you can take one small step to open the funnel. Identify one task that is currently on your plate that does not require your specific expertise. Is it walking the dog? Is it picking up a prescription? Is it mowing the lawn? Find one person in your life, such as a friend, a neighbor, or a cousin, and ask them to handle just that one thing. By sharing one small piece of the burden, you are not failing. You are building a sustainable foundation of love and care that will support you and your loved one for the long haul.